Guest Post: Life Is A Great Big Canvas

7 Jan 2012

Elaina is probably one of the most genuine people I have come to meet through blogging, I love all of her posts and really enjoy reading about her life. I genuinely think that if we lived anywhere near each other we would hang out

For that reason I asked her to do a guest post for me, and boy did she deliver. This story is brilliant!

If you fancy reading the rest of her work, you can find it over at Life Is A Great Big Canvas. For now, enjoy this tale about the time she was accused of being a prostitute...


Okay so when Charlotte asked me to do a guest post I was super excited, yet I had a major case of writers block. One of the ideas she had for me to write about was a funny story from my life. Should be easy given I have tons yet when you need one it’s not there. Well as I was driving yesterday down Davis Highway, the highway from hell, I saw a street evangelist and all of sudden it was like BOOM. I KNOW WHAT STORY I’M GOING TO TELL! The story I will share will be the time a street evangelist family threw holy water on my car and called me a prostitute.
To get a clear idea of where I’ve grown up I will have to explain. I live in a tiny town called Pensacola, Florida. It’s right at the beginning of Florida; some people will joke and say it’s lower Alabama. To that comment I say, hell no it’s not Alabama because we have teeth and tans. So when you look at the United States I’m right in the heart of the Bible Belt. Oh yeah, it exists. With the exclusion of New Orleans and South Florida everything else pretty much is dominated by the church. For example on a trip to Orlando, Florida I counted like 40-50 Pro Life billboards. It’s all up in your face. So to me it’s completely normal to see guys like this...
It's also normal that kids who don't participate with their bible thumping act will mess with them when they're shouting bible verses at our car. Like yesterday I had a guy shouting at me and I just turned up Niggas in Paris by Jay-Z and Kanye and my friend and I just jammed out. I have no doubt he thinks we're heathens and are on a one way express train to hell. Now before I start I want to say I'm a Christian. I was born and raised Catholic and well my mom is a very spiritual hippie lady so I have no issues with religion. I personally think everyone is entitled to have an opinion and  I encourage people to believe in at least some sort of higher power. With that being said I do have issues with people throwing their beliefs on other people and forcing them to convert or they're doomed for an eternal life of damnation. That's not cool and they kind of freak me out because it's almost like a cult because they're so extreme. The men wear a full piece suit everyday, even on the street in July with a heat index of 110. The women only wear dresses or skirts that go to their calf or lower, and they don't cut their hair or wear any makeup. True story.

Okay so now that I hope you have mental picture of where I live I hope you can visually see what I'm about to tell you. Okay so back in summer of 2008 I was 20 years old and was living in apartment with my two friends and had just started getting serious with a guy and basically was on cloud nine without a care in the world. Well this story takes place the morning after Cinco de Mayo. Now for beach kids Cinco de Mayo is a huge holiday. It's made up of river trips that you don't remember except for the horrible sunburn and hangover you come home with or stories of you being passed out on your towel on the beach and your drunk friends forgetting to rub in the sunscreen so you have a smiley face tan on your back. My cinco that year was spent at the boy I was getting serious withs house. Basically I went over there after work and we had planned on meeting with friends out at the bar but decided to pre-game first which led to us playing a game and the loser took tequila shots. We never made it to the bar and guess who lost the most? Yes, that would be me.
So I woke up the next morning at  6:30 a.m. and was hungover as all hell and he was passed out next to me on his bed and here I am mentally thinking, "Shit. I have to get out of here without waking him up." Mainly because our status at that point was undetermined and we hadn't done anything serious prior to that night and I was really hazy on the specifics of what had gone down so I wanted to avoid that confrontation. Plus I thought I was going to puke and knew I looked like the living dead. So like a ninja I scooted out from under his arm, found pieces of clothing, my cell and keys and drove back to my apartment. I kid you not when I turned my car on the first song that came on was, Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off..seriously? I honestly think God is a comedian because there are just too many times in my life where I have looked up into the sky and said, "verrrrry funny!"

Anyways on my way back to my apartment you have to get on Davis Hwy. Which is where all the street evangelists gather. They're on every block the whole way down this long highway. They LOVE the block right before the campus to the university which is where my apartment was. Probably because they think all college kids who don't attend the Christian College 20 mins away are committing sin 24/7. So in my hungover haze I was stuck at the light waiting to turn on Campus Drive and I had an evangelist family yelling at me different Bible verses. When you're hungover you hate multiple things but mainly light and yelling. Which happened to be the two things I was dealing with given I couldn't find my sunglasses and I was the car closest to the curb.
When I ran out of my boys house that morning I just grabbed what I saw and was wearing my pullover when I woke up. Now if you're wondering, why do you have a pullover on in May in Florida? It's because I had gotten sunburned days before and when you get sunburned you get cold at night. I had woken up with that on and just assumed I was still in my tank top I had worn underneath it because I didn't find it that morning when I was scurrying out of there. SO while I'm sitting at this light waiting for it to turn green I took off my pullover because I was hot. It didn't take me up a few seconds to realize not only did I not have my tank top on, but that I hadn't worn a bra that night either! Another side note, no one wears bras when you have a sunburn on your back it's itchy and painful and my tank top had a built in bra in it so I was taken care of. So naturally I panic and try to tangle myself back down into my pullover and when I poke my head back through I see a 14 year old evangelist boy and his mother staring at me in horror. I, in total Elaina fashion, just busted out laughing. Granted I think I gave the kid a pretty decent show because we all know 14 year old boys are still perverted even if they are sheltered.

Oh and to make it worse...or better?... a group of fraternity guys were next to me in their car and they were cheering. I still think they were drunk from the night before because like I said it was around 7 a.m. Well not only did the mother literally shun her child's eyes and pray out loud to God that the image of my chest be erased from his memory but that He please help "this prostitute" find her path and know that He is the only way. Then she took ALL of her Holy Water and threw it on my car and then did the sign of the cross.

Clearly THAT lady has some issues, not me!
So luckily the light turned green right after her prayer and I sped home hoping God didn't strike me down for the multiple sins I had committed in the last 24 hours. When I tried to sneak into my apartment I was only to be caught by my guy roommate who was up eating cereal.  He then made jokes about how I looked like hell and MUST have had fun last night blah, blah, blah. Only when I told him I accidentally flashed a 14 year old boy evangelist and his mother 5 minutes ago did he not stop talking but choked on his cereal from laughing so hard and then said he was upset because he had lived with me for a year and hadn't seen the twins yet...perv, haha. Not my greatest moment but a pretty darn funny one. If there is any moral to this story it's to check under your sweatshirt to make sure you have a top on before you pull it off. Every other choice I made really is the stuff that makes life funny and colorful. I'm sure one day I'll have to answer to it before God but I imagine I'm going to be say something along the lines of, "Oh come on! That was totally unintentional!!"

Oh and in case you guys were wondering the reason I didn't find my tank was because it was under the pillow at the boys house. Yeah...please don't judge. I promise I'm not a prostitute, I dated him for roughly 3 years after that incident hahaha.

11 comments:

  1. What an hilarious story!! Loved it and will definately be checking out your blog! X

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  2. I'm a Catholic tooooooooo
    haha xD

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  3. That's so seriously funny! I'm definately going to check out her blog!

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  4. your added pictures were perfect! hahahaha

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  5. Haha, that is quite the story!

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  6. OMG That's hilarious!!! I especially loved the part about the song that comes on the radio - that's perfect. I've been to Florida and have had the Bible Thumpers come knocking on my car window with a 5 gallon bucket for church donations and tell me how I will rot in hell when I speed off after the light changes. Those people are scary. Comical but scary. lol And I bet that 14 year old loved you for a long time. LOL

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  7. I love this story :D

    Elaina, feel free to answer the comments lol x

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  8. Lucy: Thanks!! I'm glad you enjoyed it

    Lily: Catholics are crazy but I love them all haha

    Lauren: Thanks! :)

    Kira: Quite a story, indeed. haha

    J.Day: Yeah the song part was definitely a part I can't forget. It was too good. And I never saw the boy on that corner again but I'd like to think he loves me still...3 yeas later haha

    Nikkiana: I'm glad you like it!

    Mademoiselle: I'm glad you though it was funny too!

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  9. hhahah, what a great story. I love it so much. I love how you describe your faith and then throw (valid) skepticism to the ones that are SOOOO extreme.

    I've had a ... few... mornings like yours, where you're scurrying out lest they see you and turn to stone (Medusa reference), but I can't say it was capped-off with flashing a 14-year-old and an exorcism.

    Thank you for sharing the colorful story!

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Thank you for being kind :)

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